This may seem like a bit of a cheesy post, but I was sorting through seashells (that’s a normal Tuesday for most people, isn’t it?) and some things came to mind that I felt nature did a good job teaching. Between my kids and I, we carefully selected and stored each of these seashells I was looking through. A good portion were from my kids’ hunting and I honestly don’t know what they saw in a most of them. A lot of them were broken, plain in color, and seemingly common, but for whatever reason, my kids found them and considered them treasures. I remembered picking a lot of the ones above. One is interesting because it appears to have had something growing on the outer shell, leaving it deformed and looking like it had been the victim of a bird dropping, but the inside is a shimmering pearl color that was really captivating. So here are some of the things that came to mind. First of all, we don’t always match our exterior, but in a world focused on appearances, it can be hard to realize that inner beauty is not only more valuable, but takes a lot more work. People spend thousands of dollars on aesthetic treatments to keep up with the “modern version of aging gracefully” as I saw on a Botox Treatment center’s instagram account and yet, leave no time or effort to nourishing their personality and spirit. They are left shallow and selfish, because they’ve only spent their resources on fixing their physical features. I am not saying that anyone who gets botox is this way, seriously, there is no judgement here, but I am seeing an increase in friends wishing they could afford botox to be able to be presentable, when I look at them I see powerful, beautiful women and it seriously breaks my heart that they don’t see their own beauty or feel like it isn’t enough because it isn’t keeping up with the new instagram beauty. Can you imagine a world where media focused on, “What I did today to build my relationship with my spouse,” instead of, “Top Ten anti-aging creams.” Yes, the self-improvement, relationship, and even charity focused accounts are out there, but they seem far and few between. And aside from the beauty-focused culture that we’re a part of, I have to go back to Brene Brown’s podcast, “Power of Vulnerability.” In it she stressed that we are more than the way we look or what we do for an occupation and I think that those principles are lost from the focus of our world. There is a horrendous Hulu show that is coming out that I’m not going to even dignify putting its name in my blog, because any press is good press, right? But it is about a group of women who felt oppressed in the Mormon faith, believing that we were only raised to please our husbands and be “barefoot and pregnant.” So their answer to this misnomer is to go polar opposite and lead ruckus adulterous lives that have left all of them miserable and one even in jail. “By their fruits, ye shall know them,” right? But this misconception of women being oppressed and bred to please is erroneous. Does it happen? Yes. It does. But not only in the LDS community. What’s important, is to look at the doctrine. A man is told to cleave unto his wife. This makes me believe that men too are designed to please their wife. It is not their sole responsibility, but it seems to be a part of the importance of their existence. And what if wife AND husband did this? What if they both focused on pleasing each other? I would see so many less posts of, “I think I’m getting a divorce…” on the Facebook groups I’m a part of. There is one almost every other day and it is heart wrenching. I am sure those women have good reasons. I am not blaming them or saying they are wrong, but what if we focused less on ourselves and focused more on how to love others? Just a thought.
The next misguided notion is that we are here “just to have babies.” First off please remove the “just.” THAT is what is wrong with our society. While that is not the only thing our gospel teaches us that women are designed for (we are taught to get as much education as possible, to teach our children, to serve in our communities and church), it is a part of our gospel and it is the most important thing we will achieve in this life. And please, if you have infertility issues and would love children of your own, just know that God knows that and he will make all things right and I am sincerely sorry that you have to wait for that moment and I pray I don’t offend you. I reread Elder Holland’s talk from this last General Conference. In the talk he is extremely vulnerable and intimate, sharing about his time in the hospital as well as the death of his wife. When speaking about his wife, he said,
“She was the greatest woman I have ever known- a perfect wife and mother, to say nothing of her purity, her gift of expression, her spirituality. She gave a talk once titled “Fulfilling the Measure of Your Creation.” It seems to me that she fulfilled the measure of her creation more successfully than anyone could have dreamed possible.”
She was a wife, a mother, an author, a musician. I believe she did fulfill the measure of her creation. According to world standards she didn’t accomplish anything hugely noteworthy, but the sacrifices she made and the influence she had on her own family and those in the church was so impactful. I wrote down in my journal, “What is the measure of my creation, and am I on the way to achieving it?” I often get caught up in the pressure our society places on women to “do it all” and the unfairness that men “get to” go to work while women keep the house running, but what if we changed our perspective? What if we realized that men are the ones supporting the greater role of raising a family by providing for them financially. I know not every circumstance permits that, and I am truly grateful that my husband can financially support our family’s goals, but when I lose focus that the work we do in the home is the most essential work I will do on this earth, then I tend to be an ornerier mother. It isn’t wrong to achieve worldly goals. I can’t wait to get a book published and I’m over halfway done writing a novel that I believe in, but when my kids are around and I’m snapping at them because I’m working on my novel, I have to remind myself that it is right and good that I step away from my desk and give them my attention. They are the future and I want them to leave my home being confident, empowered, and to have good expectations on how to be treated by those who love them most. If I get to the end of my life and never get to publish, I hope that my kids will be happy, love the Lord, and have families of their own. This will give me the satisfaction that I did my best to fulfill the measure of my creation. It isn’t oppressive. It is freeing to know that my work in the home has infinite more value than an occupation. I saw a meme the other day that said, “Who said being a stay-at-home-mom isn’t a career when I’d have to hire someone to do it for me if I couldn’t?”
Since the kids have started back to school, some things have been… well a bit of a roller coaster. I am sure it is getting used to the earlier wake-ups and the long days at school, but we’ve been dealing with a lot of melt downs lately (from both of the cuties pictured above, but more heavily from my darling daughter). She went through a really difficult stage when she was about 3, and my mom shared with me something she learned from a therapist, that one on one time with those types of kids where they get to guide the stage of whatever activity you’re doing together can make a world of difference. I tried it and it was like magic, so despite our crazy busy schedules, this is my number one goal this week- to give her that attention before the eruptions. It reminds me that by small and simple things, great things are brought to pass. My friend has a daughter who is seemingly always negative. We struggled with that with Max last year so I gave her some advice that we implemented in our family. We started a family ritual where we share a thumbs up and a thumbs down at dinner. You don’t have to share a thumbs down, but you do have to share a thumbs up. I kept the thumbs down as an option because I want my kids to have a safe place to share the struggles of their day, in a setting where they can receive support and guidance. But the thumbs up was a game changer. It wasn’t over night, but bit by bit, Max was quicker at finding something positive that happened in his day. This helps shift your mindset from seeing all that is wrong to searching for that which is good. It is something I have to work on actively, but this little ritual has helped our family stay unified and more positive.