Things I’ve had to do because Andy’s not here:
- Mow the lawn (ok… I kind of already did that, but he usually helped)
- Fix a tub nozzle (the kids broke the handle so I had to replace the whole thing)
- Do an insane amount of carpool pickup (goodness, I didn’t realize how much he helped with this. I feel like it’s my whole life now)
- Give squish hugs (my hugs are no where near as good as Andy’s but I try to compensate for the absence of his hugs with our kids)
- Spray our garden (I sprayed my hydrangeas one night this week because they had some fungus on them then panicked the rest of the night that I’d used weed killer instead of fungicide… we really need to label the sprays)
- Dishes every night (I do them often, but when Andy’s home for dinner he almost always does them after dinner) And yes, I need to get the kids to do them, but I have them clear, wipe down, etc. because they make such a mess when they do the dishes
I’m sure there’s a lot more that I’ve done that he usually does, but his absence is felt. Of course, there’s less laundry, less trash (how? I swear Andy doesn’t make that much trash), and the bathrooms aren’t as stinky 😉 but he is so much more than the chores he does. He keeps our family laughing and he is our teddy bear. It is hard to be comforted when our comfort animal is so far away. Andy and I had talked about getting a comfort dog this summer to help us with Andy’s absence, but then adding a new puppy to the slew of everything else I have to do had me second guessing that decision. Sometimes I still wonder if we made the right decision, but we do have Daisy… she just isn’t a lap dog, though she’d like to think she is.
It has been raining for two solid weeks. It’ll stop for a few hours here and there, but overall, we haven’t had a day where there wasn’t some amount of rain. Wednesday it didn’t rain until 10:30 PM, so at 8:30 I made an impromptu decision to mow. Well… it was dark by the time I finished the front yard and so I mowed the back in complete darkness, barely missing frogs as they hopped out of my way (I hope I missed them, I didn’t check the next day for loose frog parts). Well, the front looks OK, but the back for sure looks like I mowed it in the dark… but hey! At least I got it done before the next round of rain storms. It’s supposed to rain this whole week too. I guess it’s time to start building an ark. I’ll just add it to my to-do list. I have a chalkboard in our kitchen that pretty much keeps me functioning with all the activities and meals we have going on during the week. The top half includes what we have going on, carpool schedule (because it’s been changing every week), and our meal schedule. The bottom half has turned in to a giant task list. I feel like every time I cross something off on the bottom, something else gets added to it and some things just sit there because they’re not a priority yet. They need to get done, but other things of more importance come first so they just sit there taking up real estate.
My birthday was great, actually. I had low expectations because Andy was going to be out of town and I had just told myself we’d already celebrated before he left so that I wouldn’t let the actual day get me down, but Andy, and others stepped up and made it quite a good birthday, all things considered. I told my kids all I wanted for my birthday from them was obedience, no whining, and no fighting. Well…. they bought me some nice gifts which was still surprising, but let’s just say I didn’t get what I asked for ;). They got me some elephant figurines, some bath bombs, a bird feeder, and some paints. We started Monday morning off with a wet bed and Harvey trying to get out of school by acting sick. That kid should get into acting. Andy calls most mornings before they go to school and he told him that he was going to school. By the time he’d gotten in Lindsay’s car he seemed miraculously healed. I went to pilates and then crossed the street to the Stake center and did High Fit with my girlfriends. Then we went to lunch all sweaty. I had a migraine on my birthday, so that was a downer, but meds helped and I was still able to enjoy it. I got takeout for dinner, which was nice to not have to cook and a dear friend from clear across the country sent me a box of Crumble Cookies. I was so touched! I think my siblings remembered my birthday more than they have in a long time. Nik and Sara, Crista, Caitlyn, and Adrienne all sent me gifts (well Adri gave me my gift before I left Utah), my parents sent me something along with Andy’s sister and parents. They were all very thoughtful gifts and made me feel very loved. My brother Dan called me, which was such a nice surprise. We don’t get to talk a lot, so I really enjoyed the quick catch up. I had friends text me that I haven’t talked to in years along with some Polo’s and other phone calls. I felt very loved and thought of. Andy made such an effort to make me feel loved– even from a distance. He called me first thing, sent me lovely texts throughout the day, and sent me a couple of gifts even though he’d already given me a nice one before he left. He sent me flowers too! So, good job, honey! You made the day great.
40 years is a long time. I started therapy two weeks ago. Mostly to get some tools to help my kids through this whole thing, but the first visit was just a get to know me session where she asked me about all the struggles I’ve had in the 40 years of my existence. Oof. It was a lot to unpack. So when I met with her this Thursday and she said, “I’ve diagnosed you with manic depressive disorder.” I almost laughed. I mean, I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think someone with depression would get up willingly at 6 in the summer to go walking with good friends. I don’t think someone with depression would be making headway on a novel she’s been working on for two years. And truthfully, I have sad moments, my husband is gone! But overall, I feel very happy and blessed. When she said I also have generalized anxiety, I nodded my head. That made sense. And sometimes those two have overlapping symptoms, so maybe she just needed more information… or less. 40 years of trauma in an hour would make anyone seem like they have depression. I’ve dealt with the death of a brother, major health problems as a kid, bullying in Jr. High and High school, and a lot more. And that was just the first twenty years. I’ve done hard things too. I served a mission for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints– a choice that still continues to bring blessings, but still– soooo hard. I had great roommates and psycho roommates. I graduated BYU single… Trust me it sounds trivial, but that was hard. I’ve taught at inner city schools. First, at a middle school where the school was known as the most violent, gang-related middle school in the district. The second school was more mild, but still inner-city. I taught 30 2nd graders who had varying skills from not even knowing their ABC’s or never having gone to school (they were refugees, primarily), to a Nigerian boy who was reading in the 6th grade reading level at the beginning of the year and twelfth by the end. I got my masters while teaching full time and met and married the man of my dreams. It was all mostly good stuff, but a LOT! Then we had our first three kids during Andy’s medical school training, then our fourth during COVID and his intern year of residency. All the while I was having more health problems (probably caused from stress). And now this deployment. I mean, we’ve dealt with deployments before– a couple of times before kids, and some months long trainings when the kids were babies, but this is a whole new wheelhouse with our kids being older and more aware of his absence and with a lot more going on with all of the kids’ activities. But I can do hard things. That’s something I’ve learned in the 40 years of my life. I am resilient and so much stronger than I realize. Sometimes I don’t like being strong, but at least I know I can be.
These hard things have molded me. I’ve had to sand out some of the rougher marks they’ve made, but I’ve also gained good things from them. Aside from resilience, I’ve learned to be sympathetic, reach out for the underdog, and include as many people as I can feasibly manage (I’m still an introvert at heart). I’ve learned how to deal with challenging people, navigate difficult conversations, and forgive. I’ve learned how to have hope, despite great loss and faith in angels and miracles because of the things I’ve been through. Of course, I’ve learned a lot academically– with therapy I’ve learned a lot about how people work and have been able to pass that knowledge on to other people who struggle with various things. I’ve learned about relationships, the gospel, and even some languages. I’ve carried some of the things I learned from teaching into my calling as a Primary leader. I get to utilize classroom management, differentiation to help with the various learning techniques, engagement, and so much more. I have seen time and again that things I’ve been through have prepared the way for something better. And finally, I’m working towards completing a novel (not my first, but hopefully my first to be published). This was the reason I chose English as my major, so getting this published would feel like I’ve finally arrived in that area of my life. I’ve learned to find joy in physical exercise, painting, gardening, and sometimes even cooking. I’ve learned to value the amazing friends I have and stop worrying about the ones who don’t love me as they do. There is so much more I’ve learned and gained from my life’s experiences, but these are just a few.
Maverick had his baseball evaluations this week and he did great! He was so proud of himself (I’m proud of him too). He starts practices tomorrow. Max and I went on a date and he picked Izumi’s. We had a great time talking and eating. He was a good date!
I feel very blessed. We have a good life. These next (now 8!) months will be hard without Andy around and we miss him a lot, but we have amazing friends, a comfortable home, and thank heavens we have the internet so we can stay in contact with Andy. I’ve had the opportunity to talk to some friends who had a husband deploy and the ones who had them deploy before the internet tell me how hard it was to keep the connection between them and their spouse. I can only imagine! I’m super grateful that if we have to go through this, we’re going through it this year. Max is old enough to babysit, Harvey’s in school all day, and we have the Internet.
