Max is back at school. We made the tough decision to put him in and pushed forward with faith. But my faith was tested when he came home on the first day and when asked how his first day was, the tears came. His best friend had moved to a different school, he had to wear a mask all day, he was starving because he hadn’t eaten anything since lunch which was “early” at 11 AM, and the math was hard. To be honest, I didn’t like his best friend much; he was a self absorbed little kid with parents that were bad influences, but I knew how much he meant to Max, so my heart hurt for him. After wrestling with his dad, he felt much better and the rest of the days he has come home happy or tired, but no more tears. He still complains of wearing the mask often. I asked him what was different this year than last year with the “sickness” it’s what Max called the corona virus.
“We have to wear masks all the time, well almost all the time. In music class we don’t sing, but use instruments instead. Things are the same in PE. We eat lunch in the classroom. I don’t get to play with all of my friends at recess, just my class.” So it doesn’t seem too different, but enough to throw a little boy. Especially Max who loves and thrives on routine and ritual. Andy and I told him at the beginning that we would reassess things after a month to see how he was doing emotionally and academically. I am a teacher. I know how to teach, but as I told him yesterday after a fifteen minute argument about what shoes he should wear to football tryouts, “I can’t home school you if you don’t listen to me.” For Max and I, I think he does best with a structured school environment with a teacher that is not his mom.
Yesterday was a bit of a rough day at the end of a rough week. Max in tears at football tryouts was very symbolic of how I was feeling on the inside. I failed a mom yesterday. I read “Righteous, Intentional Parenting,” by Ralphie Jacobs this morning. I already felt guilty for how I handled the chaos and disruptions of yesterday, but this talk was insightful and painful. I have a lot to work on.
